So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
