Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
