Soap is not a condiment
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
