yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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