i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
