Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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