I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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