She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
