it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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