Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
