I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
