My hand turned me down
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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