I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
