You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
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Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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