I want to have your abortion
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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