Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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