he looks like a really good dad on facebook
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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