If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
