I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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