Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
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dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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