Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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