My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
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Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
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Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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