im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
