oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
