the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
