If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
