Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
