either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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