fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
