dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently