I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
