my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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