My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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