I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
