I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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