Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
