then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
