just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ladies don't puke and tell
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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