he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize