she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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