So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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