I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
