I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
