i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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