I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
