so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
