The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
