Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
