I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
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Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
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Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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