Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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