i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
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He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
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Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can