: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.