I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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