Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
