you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
