i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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