I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Panties = found
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
