I accidentally had phone sex last night
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
