u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
