I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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