dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
