i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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