Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
