Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
