I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
