I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I am one with the molecules
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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