I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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