dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
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Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
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my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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