Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
